Why 'henpecking wives' nag 'whining
wimps'
IRISH TIMES 13 October 2000
http://www.ireland.com/newspaper/features/1999/1013/fea2.htm
'Naggers who go yack, yack, yack are doing the family a great service,'
Australian psychiatrist William Wilkie, who has written a book on stress
and its effect on relationships, tells Kathryn Holmquist.
Many marriages are breaking down under stress because "hen-pecking" wives
cannot abide failure in their husbands. Women are unable to resist attacking
their men when they are down because, while they are loath to admit it, women
secretly hate "whining wimps". That's the view of William Wilkie, a 56-yearold
Australian psychiatrist whose book, Understanding Stress Breakdown, now in
its third edition, has just been published in the Republic.
Speaking to The Irish Times from his home in Australia, Dr Wilkie explained
that women expect sympathy and support when they are sick, but not the other
way around. When he is sick, his wife of 35 years gives him about 90 minutes
worth of cold compresses and chicken soup, before losing her patience with
him. "Ladies won't admit it, but seeing weakness in their husbands turns
them into absolute bitches - but it's good they turn into bitches because
this preserves and girlfriend/boyfriend relationship.
"Naggers who go yack, yack, yack are doing the family a great service," he
believes. At the core of his argument is his belief that our brains have
not changed since the Stone Age. While our bodies are living with 20th century
stresses, women's right brains are telling them to have carnal relations
only with successful hunters, so that when a man is feeling threatened and
vulnerable, women turn off sexually. "Women are frightened of being tied
to losers and plunged into poverty," Wilkie asserts.
Before you dismiss Wilkie himself as a throwback to the Stone Age, consider
that two influential institutions - Trinity College Dublin and Accord, the
Catholic marriage advisory service - have lent him credence by inviting him
to speak. A devout Catholic, Dr Wilkie will also be speaking to the influential
Business Spouses Association and to the Catholic parish of South Lucan, at
the Archbishop Ryan Primary School.
At TCD's Anti-Bullying Unit, Wilkie will be talking about bullying in the
workplace and in marriage. Murray Smith, a spokesman for the unit, said he
was not aware of Wilkie's views on women and that they sounded "sweeping,"
but that one would not dismiss a person's views on one area - bullying -
because of his views in another - women.
At Accord, Dublin, Penny Wilson said she had not read Dr Wilkie's book and
therefore could not comment. Sources within Accord expressed the view that
most counsellors would not agree with Wilkie's views.
Wilkie sincerely believes he is pro-woman. Feminism has stripped women and
the world of femininity as a positive force, with the result that we have
masculinity run rabid in East Timor, he says. Wilkie also thinks that most
depressed new mothers are actually suffering the stress symptoms of combat
fatigue, because an anti-feminine society does not give them the time and
space they need to do nothing but breastfeed for the first month of their
newborns' lives. It's hard to argue with that.
Men with the workplace equivalent of combat fatigue - contract work and
downsizing - have their own problems. Men under stress seem to change personality
because their circuit breakers crash. Unable to process the normal stresses
of life, they avoid sensory stimulation, become intolerant and prone to angry
outbursts and respond so uncharacteristically that the person appears to
loved ones to be changing personality. (It's easy to imagine - men coming
home from work, lying on the sofa and staring at the TV while refusing to
have anything to do with the children.)
"It is thus easy to see why so many couples experiencing the symptoms of
stress breakdown can suddenly think that their love relationship is at an
end. A good sexual relationship is difficult when you are avoiding sensory
stimulation! And suddenly the endearing personality differences that once
fascinated and intrigued you have become utterly irritating and intolerable,"
Wilkie explains. On the other hand, for the partner, communication is difficult
because the stressed person no longer seems to feel as strongly about the
big questions as before. This overstressed person is a stranger to you now.
You used to know exactly how he or she would react to a joke or a planned
outing. Not any more."
Most married people will probably recognise this scenario, but where Wilkie
gets controversial is when he starts to make judgments about women's ability
to cope with this situation. In his interpretation of the ideal Christian
marriage, the wife can rely on her husband's never-failing support as the
faithful rely on God. "But can the situation be reversed? Can the husband
rely on his wife's never-failing support when he is feeling sorry for himself?
In reality, not for long. A woman seems to have difficulty knowing what to
say to her husband when he has lost his self- confidence. In my experience,
a wife's emotional support for a husband who has lost his self-confidence
is usually provided through enrolling him temporarily as an honorary child.
She then mothers him for as long as it takes. And while the wife is mothering
the husband the sexual relationship is likely to be seriously affected.
"Usually, the wife soon becomes intolerant of her husband's lack of
self-confidence, and may resort to taunting him with exhortations like `Why
can't you be a man?' Modern husbands who believe in marriage as equal sharing
and mutual support feel shocked and betrayed when their wives respond to
their emotional despondency not with sympathetic encouragement, but with
stinging insults."
Wilkie adds that "when a man loses his self-confidence, his wife will attack
him, sooner or later. It is one characteristic of female behaviour that women
themselves despise. Women have been talking to me about this for years, saying
things like, `I know he can't help losing his business with the recessions
and all, but I can't seem to be able to stop picking on him. I think I must
be a bad-tempered bitch with an attitude problem.' "
Wilkie refuses to accept the argument that most women, far from undermining
their husbands, will tirelessly support them, sacrificing their own happiness,
even to the point of putting up with abuse. "I usually find that these cases
quoted to me in rebuttal are classic examples of dysfunctional families where
a co-dependent woman has continually mothered an addicted man, to the ultimate
detriment of both of them," he states.
He suggests to male readers that the next time their "nagging" wives start
to peck at them, they should say "Alice, don't speak to me like that! When
we are successful, rich and famous, I won't be able to take you along to
important social functions if you are going to speak like that."
Perhaps when Wilkie arrives in Ireland on Friday, his audiences will remind
him that this is 1999, and that it may be the wife who is rich and famous.
Perhaps Dr Wilkie will hear Irish women say, "Willie, now that we are successful,
rich and famous in our own right, we are not going to put up with that kind
of talk anymore."
Understanding Stress Breakdown by William Wilkie (Newleaf, £7.99).
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